Real Dad
by CrazyCartoonChick236
Summary: Ren is sad about Kowalski leaving in "Fake Dad". But when he escapes from jail, Ren and Stimpy couldn't be happier! But will they get to keep him, or will he be taken back to jail?


It was a stupid sunny day in Massachusetts. Ren and Stimpy were in the living room being their normal, retarded selves. Ren was in his fez and ascot reading a romance novel and Stimpy was watching Muddy Mudskipper, making stupid noises.

"Duhr, it sucks that it's raining, Ren!" said Stimpy.

"What? It's not raining, you eediot!" Ren yelled, "The narrator said it was a stupid sunny day-"

Ren looked out the window and saw it had mysteriously started raining, even though the sun was shining not even 5 minutes ago.

Ren sighed, "You know, Stimpy? Ever since they took Kowalski back, things have been strange. The weather keeps automatically changing, you've been wetting the bed more than usual, and the toilet keeps talking to me."

"What do you mean, Ren?" Stimpy asked.

"Well, just yesterday it told me I had to lay off the hog chows or I'd die of a high level of cholesterol." Ren explained.

"I was wondering what was moaning under my butt during my poo this morning!" Stimpy exclaimed, "I'm gonna go see if it's stopped crying yet!"

Stimpy ran up the stairs, knocking off all of the glass picture frames on the way up.

"STEEMPY! COME BACK HERE AND LET ME KILL YOU!" Ren yelled at the top of his lungs.

Stimpy carefully crept up to the bathroom door and opened it slowly. He stalked the potty for about 10 minutes and then crawled over to the toilet. He stroked the white, glistening bowl with his tongue and then squealed with excitement.

"Joy! Hey there! What's YOUR name?" Stimpy asked the giant porcelain potty.

"Kowalski!" the toilet grunted, spitting toilet water all over Stimpy's face.

"Well, hello there, Kow-" Stimpy's brain finally realized who he was talking to. Stimpy just stood there for about 5 seconds, then he began to run downstairs again. "REEEEEEN! LOOK WHO'S IN THE TOILET!"

"There you are, Stimpy! Come here and clean up your mess! I'm sick and tired of you making these messes and not cleaning up after yourself!"

"No no no, Ren! There's someone in the toilet!"

"I don't care if the Queen Weiner herself is in that crap hole! If you don't get this mess cleaned up by the time I count to 3, you're in for the biggest beating of your life, mister!"

"If I clean it, THEN will you come with me?" Stimpy asked impatiently.

"Yeah, sure, pal. Of course. NOW GET THIS MESS CLEANED UP!

Stimpy grabbed the broom and dustpan and started sweeping up all of the tiny shards of shattered glass.

"There, Ren. Now let's go see the toilet!" Stimpy said in a girly voice.

"No."

"But, REN! You promised!" Stimpy whined.

"Yeah? Well I changed my mind." Ren walked over to his favorite TV chair and pulled out a book and started reading it. "Oh, Bella. Why didn't you go with Jacob?"

"Ew, Ren. You read Twilight?"

"SHUT UP!"

That night when Ren and Stimpy were getting into bed:

"Hey Stimpy, could you hand me that book on the nightstand?" Ren asked politely.

"Why, of course I can, buddy!" Stimpy handed him a dirty old scrapbook. "Say Ren, what book is that?

"Why should I tell YOU?" Ren yelled right into Stimpy's ear.

Stimpy replied, "Because if you don't, I'll keep you up all night asking about it!"

"Good point, Stimpson." Ren opened up the scrapbook, revealing lots of old photos.

"What are these, Ren?

"Well, these are all photos of my most cherished memories. See? There's me holding you as a little kitten! And there's me smacking you as a kitten! There's your first day of school! And that one's me smacking you after I saw your report card!"

"Such happy memories, Ren! Can I see more?" Stimpy begged.

"OK." Ren agreed.

Ren showed Stimpy some photos of their vacations, Christmas gift opening, and Ren smacking Stimpy. But both of their favorites was where Ren gave Stimpy a wedgie and hung him on the telephone pole.

"Well, that's all of them, Stimpy! Bed time!"

"Wait Ren! There's still more in there!"

Stimpy pointed to a few pictures sticking out of the back of the book.

"No, there's no more! That's all of them! Nothing to see here!"

"Ren , it's no use hiding them! I already know they're all there!" Stimpy tried to grab the book away from Ren.

"Back off, eediot! I already told you! GET YOUR FILTHY MITS OFF, YOU FAT BLOATED IDIOT!"

Ren kept squirming and kicking, but Stimpy was stronger and yanked the book out of Ren's tiny hands. Stimpy opened it and took out the pictures from the very back of the book.

Stimpy gasped "Oh, Ren! You kept these, after all this time?"

Ren blushed. "Shut up! I don't know how they got there! I thought I threw them away!"

Stimpy grabbed Ren's shoulder and gave him a concerning grin. "I know how much you miss him, Ren."

Ren carefully took the photos from Stimpy's hand and looked at them. They were of him and Kowalski having a picnic, giving piggy-back rides, and beating up Stimpy.

Ren's lip quivered faster than a fat guy at Taco Bell and his eyes were filling up with tears. "Oh, Stimpy! How I miss him so! He was my SON!" Ren threw himself onto Stimpy's chest and began to cry, Stimpy patting him.

Stimpy smiled, "But Ren. You still haven't seen who was in the toilet."

Ren got a little angry. "Stimpy! I'm in pain *sniff* and you bring up your stupid poo stories?" Ren lifted his fist to hit him. Suddenly, something began to rattle in the bathroom. Ren and Stimpy got out of bed to investigate.

Ren hid behind Stimpy. "Stimpy! What did you eat, man?

"Don't be scared, Ren! I only had 2 burritos this time!"

Then, a big hairy arm reached out of the bowl and grabbed onto its side. It began to pull itself out of it, seeming to be having a hard time doing so. A big, blue figure popped out of the toilet. "Mommy! DADDY!" it grunted.

Ren now figured out who it was. "Kowalski?"

Kowalski grabbed Ren and pressed him against his chest. "DADDY! Kowalski love you, daddy! Kowalski missed daddy very much!"

"I missed you, too, Kowalski!" Ren, Kowalski, and Stimpy all had a nice, long group hug.

"What are you doing here, Kowalski? I thought you got sent back to jail? Ren asked.

Stimpy made a face. "What were you doing in the toilet?"

"Kowalski escaped by going in sewers to see mommy and daddy! It's Kowalski's birthday!"

Ren and Stimpy gasped and looked at each other. "How old are you now, Kowalski?" Ren asked.

Kowalski held up 8 fingers on one hand. "This many!"

"Aaaaaawwww!" Ren and Stimpy cooed.

"Wait a minute? Did you say you escaped from jail?" Ren asked.

"Uh-huh. Guards don't know Kowalski's gone."

"Oh, crap! The guards are gonna send out a search party! Angry mobs, helicopters, and hounds are gonna surround our house any minute now!" Ren's legs began to shake in fear.

"Not if we adopt him!" Stimpy suggested.

"You eediot! That will never work!" Ren began to think. "I know! We'll just adopt him!"

"That' an excellent idea, Ren! That's why YOU'RE the Fake Dad!"

"No, Stimpy. I'm gonna be the REAL Dad soon!"

The next morning at the adoption place:

Ren and Stimpy walk up to the counter.

"Hello, Sir! We're here to fill out some custody papers!" Ren said to the man.

"Alright, Mr. . . Hoek! Here's your paperwork and a pen! Take them and fill them out in the living room!" The man hands Ren a towering stack of papers and sends him on his way to the waiting room.

Ren sits down next to Stimpy and Kowalski and starts to fill out the first page. Stimpy is playing Angry Birds on his Tablet and Kowalski is eating hairy meat from his pocket. Stimpy has the volume turned all the way up, and Kowalski is chewing and smacking his lips very loud. Ren's eyes start to pop out and he starts shaking with anger. _Don't worry, Ren. Just calm down, _Ren thought. _Just ignore them. You can do this. The safety of your child rests in your- _

Kowalski pukes all over Ren. Lots of meat, peanuts, dead cats, and boots come out, landing on Ren. Ren's face starts to turn redder than blood, he starts to sweat, and he's growling fiercer than thunder. "AAAAUUUUGH! BOTH OF YOU, WAIT IN THE CAR, NOW! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAP! GO INTO THE CAR AND THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS!" Ren points to the car and Stimpy and Kowalski sadly walk to the car.

In 2 hours, the paperwork is finally done. "Stimpy, Kowalski! Come back! I've finished the forms!" Ren sang.

Stimpy and Kowalski merrily skip back into the office holding hands, singing "Happy Happy Joy Joy."

"Here you go, Mr. Adoption Office Man. I've filled out all of the forms!" Ren drops the stack of papers on his desk.

"Thank you, Mr. Hoek! Kowalski's all yours now! Take care!

Ren and Stimpy leave with Kowalski and get into the car.

When they get home, Ren and Kowalski go down to the basement to look at Kowalski's new room.

"You're going to be living down here, Kowalski! Isn't it great!" Ren asked excitedly.

The basement was covered in cobwebs, surrounded by spiders, and just plain dirty and dusty. Kowalski's face lit up. "Kowalski sleep here? Thank you, daddy!" Ren smiled. "Happy birthday, son!" He handed him a pink box rapped with blue ribbons. Kowalski ripped it to shreds and opened the box. Inside was a shiny new pair or Speedos. Kowalski roared with delight. "It for me? Thank you, daddy! And it fit Kowalski, too!" Kowalski grabbed Ren and lifts him up to kiss him. Stimpy, standing in the doorway, was delighted to see the 2 men in his life bonding, like father and son.

Later that night:

Everyone was asleep in there beds. Suddenly, Ren heard a knock at the door. "Stimpy, could you get that?" Ren asked tiredly. Stimpy didn't hear him, for he was in deep sleep. Ren sighed and went to answer it. "Listen, you freeloaders! I'm not interested in anything you're selling!"

But there were no solicitors at their door. It was a bunch of soldiers, police officers, helicopters, and hounds surrounding the house. At the door was a woman with a suit and glasses, carrying a clipboard. "Hello, are you Mr. Hoek? We're here about Kowalski."

Ren's eyes went wide open. "Oh, NO YOU DON'T! I adopted him! You're not taking him away from me again! Not on MY watch!"

Ren pulled out a rifle from his pocket and pointed it at the woman. All of the soldiers and police officers and helicopters and hounds put their arms in the air. But the woman stayed calm. She tilted the gun away from her. "Mr. Hoek, we're not here to take your son away."

"You're not?" Ren was confused. He accidentally hit the trigger on his gun and it shot down one of the helicopters. It spun around and then hit the ground and blew up the soldiers, police officers, and hounds.

"No, we've just some to talk to you." the woman said happily.

"Oh. Heh heh. Well, then. Won't you come in?" Ren laughed.

Ren, Stimpy, and Kowalski all sat on the couch and the woman sat in Ren's TV chair. "The ACSO (Adopted Children Safety Organization) just wanted to make sure you and Kowalski were getting along."

"Then you won't have to worry about that, lady! Because Ren and Kowalski get along wonderfully! Right, boys?"

"Yeah yeah yeah!" Ren and Kowalski panted.

"Oh how wonderful! Well, I'll be on my way then!" she got up to leave. "Oh, crap! I almost forgot!"

"What is it, ma'am?" Ren asked.

"In order for Kowalski to have a healthy, nurtured life, he needs a mother figure to feed, wash, play, and care for him." the woman explained.

"Well, look no farther! Stimpy here could be that mother figure!" Ren pointed at Stimpy.

"Duhr." Stimpy said with glee.

The woman's face lit up. "Great! So when's the wedding?"

Ren just about flipped out. "Excuse me?"

"The ASCO has made it a rule that the parents must be married in order for a child to have full nourishment!"

"Nuh-uh! There is NO way I'm marrying that eediot! Not in a million years!" Ren said in disgust.

The next day at their wedding:

"And by the power infested in my brain, I now announce you, husband and wife! You may kiss the retard!" announced the minister.

Ren, standing there in his tuxedo and top hat, nervous out of his mind, stood there in fear as Stimpy slowly brought his lips to Ren's. Ren felt like he was gonna throw up when Stimpy shot him self at Ren, hugging him around his skinny neck and sucking on his face, getting slobber all over the place.

As Stimpy carried Ren down the isle, all of their friends were throwing petals and rice at them, laughing and crying at the beautiful scene. And they lived stupidly ever after.

THE END


End file.
